Pete_LeGrant October 27, 2009 Entertainment, Features 1,219 views Comments Print This Post  Email This Post

Dallas, Texas. In a major surprise to pundits and journalists, former President George W. Bush announced today that, after his current tour as a motivational speaker, he will be competing professionally on the Major League Gaming circuit.

“This has been on the works [sic] for a long time,” Bush said. “I’ve always wanted to go pro in the video games. And now, I can. Laura supports me 178 percent. She says it would be a good outlet for me. Good chance to meet new people. Make new friends, allies. Build bridges and forts and stuff.”

When asked about what his professional gamertag will be, Bush responded with his trademark grin: “You don’t know? Oh, come on. Guess.” When the journalists simply shrugged, he made a motion to an aide, who took the covering off of an easel just behind Bush.

The canvas said in bold black letters: “THE D3C1D3R.”

“Some guys down at the MLG helped my with the 3s and the 1,” Bush said. “I really don’t know why they’re needed, but my new buddies down at the MLG told me it looked ’sick’… Is that the word, ’sick’? They said it would look sick.”

What games is the former President going to play? “Well, I’ve been playing Halo 3 since it came out. Had to sneak a buncha those games in.  But as ol’ Dick Cheney told you the other day, we’ve been pwning noobs on Call of Duty 4  and Call of Duty: World at War for a while now. I’m pretty handy with a Dragunov. I also rock a little Gear of War 2 here and there. Sometimes some World of Warcraft. I”ll get back into that game later. Right now we’re training up for Modern Warfare 2. Lots of chips and dip. Salsa. Mild salsa. Medium salsa. Hot salsa. Queso. Frozen pizza. Pizza rolls. Lucky Charms. I’m really hoping Big Buck Hunter goes pro.”

MLG’s Vice President of Public Relations, Jeffrey Bailey, commented: “We are very excited to have this opportunity to have the former President playing in MLG. We’ve been working with him very closely since he approached us in early January 2009. We think that his sense of strategy will really take Halo 3, GOW2, and COD4 competition to…. new…   interesting places.”

What’s the next step for The D3C1D3R?

“Well, we’ve been having tryouts, Cheney and me. We got a few guys and some gals in mind. Lot of good talent out there. Some people jockeying for the sniper position. We’re having a press conference next week to unveil the final team,” Bush said.”But you have to keep in mind, I’m not the coach,” he quickly added. “We have to clear everything with Karl–oh, wait–I’m not supposed to talk about that.”

Promotional photo courtesy of Major League Gaming.