PWNorDIE January 26, 2010 Entertainment 369 views Comments Print This Post  Email This Post

Introduction

Our scientists at PWNorDIE.com have been extremely busy over the last few years collecting data concerning our hypothesis. Our initial hypothesis was that a small percentage (5-7%) of hardcore video gamers is homosexual. We also sought to study these homosexual gamers’ online interactions with straight gamers.

As we continued our polls, however, our scientists had the growing suspicion that a broader, more significant hypothesis was needed. The new hypothesis became: anything related to video games or video gaming is gay.

Data Collection

Our scientists argue that the data support the conclusion that the 100% gayness of  video games/video gaming is as certain as any other theory in science, including the theory of evolution.

Our method of data collection involved polling, simple enumeration of gay items in video games/video gaming, induction and inference to the best explanation.

Testimony from a huge set of random video gamers played a huge part of the experiment. Here are some samples over the last few years, with contexts indicated in parentheses. Various subjects were recorded saying the following:

“You just used the shotgun the whole time. Gay.” (Subject #3834474 Halo 3 multiplayer lobby, 10-2-07)

“Fuckin’ gayass campers.” (Subject #383 Call of Duty 4, in-game chat, 10-11-07)

“Y’all snipers be gay.” (Subject #876461 Call of Duty 4, in-game chat, 11-15-07)

“Luigi is totally gay.” (Subject #3838664 Mario Kart Wii, kitchen conversation, 11:02 PM 1-2-08)

“Mario is gay.” (Subject #3838665 Mario Kart Wii, kitchen conversation, 11:03 PM 1-2-08)

“I think the Princess is gay.” (Subject #3838664 Mario Kart Wii, kitchen conversation, 11:05 PM 1-2-08)

“Toad is supergay.” (Subject #3838665Mario Kart Wii, kitchen conversation, 11:08 PM 1-2-08)

“The PP-Sh is gay.” (Subject #5679332 Call of Duty: World at War, in-game chat, 2-4-09)

“This scooter is gay.” (Subject #7221 Grand Theft Auto III, gamer to self, 2-7-09)

“Isaac’s rig is bigtime gay. The line gun is gay.” (Subject #4725374944 Dead Space, text message, 2-9-09)

“Gay controller.” (Subject #26398  to self in bathroom, 3-21-09)

“Your avatar is gay.” (Subject #241 Playstation Network, 3-22-09)

“Gayass ethernet cord!” (Subject #4990028247 gamer to self in living room, 3-24-09)

“That chipmunk is fuckin’ gayer than gay.” (Subject #6295622 Peggle, instant message, 3-26-09)

“Megaton is gay as hell.” (Subject #884525 Fallout 3, living room conversation, 4-1-09)

“This song is freakin’ gay.” (Subject #90383002 Halo Wars, gamer to self, 6-25-09)

“Red rings of Death!!! GAAAAAAAAAAY!” (Subject #311 XBOX 360 owner to sky 12-4-09)

“You’re gay.” (Subject #773454666 Modern Warfare 2 multiplayer lobby, 9:27 PM 12-12-09)

“No. You’re gay.” (Subject #69420666 Modern Warfare 2 multiplayer lobby, 9:28 PM 12-12-09)

“Shut the fuck up. You’re both gay.” (Subject #42069666 Modern Warfare 2 multiplayer lobby, 9:29 PM 12-12-09)

“Infinity Ward is gay.” (Subject #6969420666 Bungie corporate email, 1-5-10)

“Bungie is Gay Town Mayor.” (Subject #66642069 Infinity Ward corporate email, 1-19-10)

“Video games are gay.” (Subject #666 cafeteria conversation, 1-25-10)

We ask our audience to simply take us at our word when we say that we have about 1,904,756,534 (to the 11th power) other bits of evidence going back as far 2007, and evidence continues to stream in at real-time speeds. As it stands right now, data collection alone  has cost the PWNorDIE.com Science Division 3.7 billion dollars, primarily in the area of hard drive storage (367,000 Terabytes and growing).

Conclusion

After poring through so much data, our scientists have concluded that anything having anything to do with video games is gay.

Every item, weapon, map, character, landscape, accessory, hardware component, designer, programmer, marketer, shipping company, player, parent of player, friend of player, blog, blogger, blog reader, N4G.com contributor, advertisement, scientific study, news article and anonymous commenter that has anything to do with video games in the slightest is absolutely gay.

Our scientists have also concluded that they, too, are in fact gay. This article is also gay, and anyone reading this article is gay, since our scientists, this article, and anyone reading this article are in some way related to video games/video gaming.

Our scientists considered the obvious retort that what they are really discovering is not the inherent gayness of video games/video gaming but peoples’ beliefs about the gayness. Our scientists retort that the best explanation of such widespread belief in the gayness of all things video game is that all things video game are, in fact, quite gay. By analogy, that which best accounts for the fact that so many people believe the Earth is round just is the fact itself that the Earth is round.

Further Research

Having established that it is certain that everything having to do with video games/video gaming is gay, our scientists will begin research into the following metaphysical and epistemological problems:

• Is everything gay?
• If everything is gay, what is the modal status of the claim? Is it: Necessarily, everything is gay? Possibly, everything is gay?
• If everything is gay, then nothing is straight. And if nothing is straight, how can anything be gay?
• Is knowledge gay?
• Are the laws of nature gay?
• Are the laws of logic gay?
• Does the gayness of arithmetic reduce to the gayness of logic?
• Are universals gay?
• Is substance gay?
• Are bare particulars gay?
• Is it necessary to use the word “gay” so much?