At a press conference, The Lord announced today that He has created three additional levels of Hell in order to accommodate those who cheat in video games. The Father said that Satan will remain The Dark Overseer of these new levels and will mete out punishment in accordance with the severity of the cheating.
The Supreme Creator of the Universe said:
I’ve been pondering cheating in video games for a few decades, and I’ve decided that it is a sin, punishable by eternal damnation. I didn’t reveal the Commandments concerning video games during the time the Bible was written because they didn’t have video games back then and it would’ve blown their minds to hear my Word about video games. Now, I can reveal my Will concerning video games to you.
Level 1 of Video Game Hell is reserved for Users of Cheat Codes and Game Genies. The Contra Code Users (up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, etc.) will be assigned to this level unless they beat Contra without the 30-man cheat prior to dying on Earth. Gamers who warped in any of the Super Mario games will also be placed here unless they beat the game…. etc. These sinners will be forced to play the longest RPG-like games, such as Final Fantasy and Fallout, with clothespins clamped on their nipples and smooth jazz playing in the background until they beat the game 100%–with all items and secret locations found. These sinners will be denied what they enjoyed most–shortcuts in video games. These sinners will receive a 30-second rest from punishment after completed games before they start the next game, due to the mild nature of their sins.
Level 2 of Video Game Hell is assigned to Glitchers and Hackers–those who exploit faults in a game’s programming to obtain an advantage over their opponents or use a hardware modification to obtain same said advantage. Those who have recently used the Javelin exploit in Modern Warfare 2, for example, will be held here. These sinners will not be allowed to play video games ever again. They will simply line up shoulder to shoulder, and a soccer-style NFL kicker will punt each sinner right in the groin every five minutes, sempiternally. The kicker will loudly shout “YOU’VE BEEN MERKED!” after every kick to the sinner’s junk.
Level 3 will be reserved for Noob Toobers and Juggernauts. These gamers will be forced to endure their deepest, darkest nightmare for the rest of time. They will direct an unarmed video game character around in a wide-open, endless, virtual field while invisible demonic snipers shoot at their characters. Every time the character is shot or runs into a claymore, the gamer will be subject to an infinitely-hot lava enema from the Dark Lord of the Underworld–The Devil–himself. The Evil One will then fully regenerate the entrails of the sinner, in order to maximize the pain felt during the subsequent lava enema.
The All-Powerful Source of Existence then paused to take questions.
One reporter confronted The Lord about the last category of sinners, asking why use of the Noob Toob or Juggernaut qualified as cheating, especially because these aspects of video games are built into the games for all to use. While humans regard Noob Toobing and Juggernauts as annoying, humans do not regard the use of these features as cheating.
The Infinite Life Giver replied:
First of all, I make the rules. B of all, watch your tone, you turkey. Third of all, I make the rules. If I say Noob Toobers and Juggernauts are cheaters, they’re cheaters. Bottom line, end of story. Hot lava butt injection. I gotta roll.
