America’s conspiracy theorists and total skeptics announced today that they found that Nintendo’s Wii Fit actually makes you fatter, not thinner.
Leading American skeptic, Daryl Mills said: “A guy I know bought Wii Fit. 2 months later, he was 17 pounds heavier than he was. See? See? It makes you fatter. Big time.”
Member of the Indianapolis Contrarians, Tom Scrivens, said: “Nintendo just wants to make you even chunkier so that you’ll feel guilty about being fatter and then you’ll be more likely to buy Wii Fit 2. It’s a vicious cycle, and I’m not buying into it.”
Freshman philosophy major, Sarah Jenkins, said “How do you even know Wii Fit exists? You don’t. You could be dreaming it. Therefore it makes you fatter.”
They added their latest finding to the rest of their discoveries:
- all vaccines will kill you. (“Smallpox is a hoax,” Scrivens said.)
- fluoride actually rots your teeth.
- Americans did not go to the moon. (Mills says: “They used photoshop. Game over.”)
- Game Genie was an alien device found at the Roswell crash site. (“The technology was far too advanced for humans at the time,” Scrivens said. “Galoob couldn’t have invented it. Think about it.”
- iPods measure the user’s sexual urges and send the data on a daily basis to the Hugo Chavez, himself a chronic masturbator, who “rubs one out” to the data reports. (Jenkins: “I hear it’s like, 17 times a day.”)
- Taco Bell’s “beef” is actually genetically-enhanced koala bear meat.
- Mario Kart was created by the Saudis to condition you to want to drive more so that you will buy more gas.
- Wilt Chamberlain is actually gay.
- Bunny Lebowski did not kidnap herself.
When we at PWNorDIE.com asked Mills and Scrivens for the evidence concerning their hypotheses, Mills retorted: “You brainwashed idiots. You fucking mindless dolts. Interview over.”
