What is The Sniper Problem? In multiplayer first-person shooter games, a few gamers are good at sniping. These snipers tend to move very little, preferring to stay in one area. These snipers frequently kill other gamers who are unskilled with the sniper rifle. These other gamers, who tend to use shotguns and submachine guns, become deeply distressed as the result of having their heads popped off repeatedly by these snipers. Gamers often confuse the behavior of the sniper with what is called “camping.” In our settled opinion at PWNorDIE.com, only gamers using a non-sniping weapon can be guilty of camping–hiding in one spot and waiting for an opponent to run by for an easy kill.

Iowa State reasearchers have shown that many gamers try to combat sniping using the “chicken-with-its-head-cut-off” gambit. The basic idea involves repeatedly running back to the suspected general area of the sniper, drawing as much attention as possible to oneself by shooting wildly and throwing grenades. Iowa State researchers spent countless hours observing this behavior and have concluded that the Headless Chicken strategy is only 1% effective, resulting in the death of the sniper only once out of 100 times.

Although the researchers are unsure about the following hypothesis, the gamer who employs the Headless Chicken strategy seems to be more interested in making the postgame accusation of “camping” than actually winning the game through an alternative approach to dealing with the nation’s sniper problem. The researchers speculate that the player thinks that he is more justified in his claim about camping, the greater the number of times he dies at the hands of the sniper.

First of all, it’s “fallen,” not “fallin.” And what is this gothic, D&D-esque obsession with angels? A dude in robes with halos and wings playing a lyre? Maybe that angel should pick up a flying V and start playing some fucking Pantera–then he won’t seem like such a pussy–fallin or not.

Best Gamertag of the Day: ULoveTebow

No, I don’t. Tebow can kiss my Big-Ten-Lovin’ ass. This is so preposterous that it actually takes the cake. It’s bold, it’s current, and it doesn’t have those fucking xs and 3s in it. PURRRAISE JAYSUS!

ULoveTebow, you’ve won the leftover Doritos crumbs from our bag. Enjoy.

Wow, my standards for best gamertag of the day have really gone to shit. But what do you want me to do? I don’t have a Gamertag De-Dildonizer that turns these gamertags from being dildos into solid gold.

Senior Bungie programmer, Randall Newtson, said today at a press conference:

We are excited to announce Halo 5. We at Bungle count Halo: ODST as being Halo 3.78. Halo: Reach, of course, is Halo 4.2372. Our latest news is that Halo 5 will be called “Halo: Squat.”

We wanted to continue the new trend of naming our games in the Halo series with bland, uninformative,  unoffensive words that could be either nouns or verbs. We also considered “Halo: Lounge,” ‘Halo: Mumble,” “Halo: Chew,” “Halo: Stir,” and “Halo: Lag” as possible names for the game.

Bungie also announced today that they have made a deal with Cartoon Network, and the leading character of Halo: Squat will be Aqua Teen Hunger Force’s Master Shake:

Newtson added that he expected Halo fans to experience little cognitive dissonance with Master Shake’s integration into Halo gameplay, since Master Shake has about the same agility and speed as–if not a bit more than–his predecessor, Master Chief.

Gamertags:

BBGWF

BBAaronGWF

Leading American skeptic, Daryl Mills said: “A guy I know bought Wii Fit. 2 months later, he was 17 pounds heavier than he was. See? See? It makes you fatter. Big time.”

Member of the Indianapolis Contrarians, Tom Scrivens, said: “Nintendo just wants to make you even chunkier so that you’ll feel guilty about being fatter and then you’ll be more likely to buy Wii Fit 2. It’s a vicious cycle, and I’m not buying into it.”

Freshman philosophy major, Sarah Jenkins, said “How do you even know Wii Fit exists? You don’t. You could be dreaming it. Therefore it makes you fatter.”

They added their latest finding to the rest of their discoveries:

• all vaccines will kill you. (”Smallpox is a hoax,” Scrivens said.)
• fluoride actually rots your teeth.
• Americans did not go to the moon.  (Mills says: “They used photoshop. Game over.”)
• Game Genie was an alien device found at the Roswell crash site. (”The technology was far too advanced for humans at the time,”  Scrivens said. “Galoob couldn’t have invented it. Think about it.”
• iPods measure the user’s sexual urges and send the data on a daily basis to the Hugo Chavez, himself a chronic masturbator, who “rubs one out” to the data reports. (Jenkins: “I hear it’s like, 17 times a day.”)
• Taco Bell’s “beef” is actually genetically-enhanced koala bear meat.
• Mario Kart was created by the Saudis to condition you to want to drive more so that you will buy more gas.
• Wilt Chamberlain is actually gay.
• Bunny Lebowski did not kidnap herself.

When we at PWNorDIE.com asked Mills and Scrivens for the evidence concerning their hypotheses, Mills retorted: “You brainwashed idiots. You fucking mindless dolts. Interview over.”

Initial reports delivered news of the BAMF clan having been defeated 18 times in a row last night by “shitty noobs.” The BAMF clan (”Bad Ass MotherFuckers”) are generally regarded as being impossible to defeat in Modern Warfare 2. A “noob” is defined as “someone who is unfamiliar with a game.” A “shitty noob” is noob that is extremely unfamiliar with a game.

Over the course of the 18 games, their opponents outscored the BAMF clan by 674 more kills.

We at PWNorDIE today directly received exclusive first-person reports  from members of the BAMF clan that tell of their amazing defeat.

The BAMF clan described their opponents as “pre-puber, retarded, idiotic, moronic, douchebag, scumbag, gay, 9-year-old, 8-year-old, 11-year-old, stupid, Mexican, Jewish, black, Madagascarian, poor, deformed, white trash, little-boy, rich-boy, little-girl, over-educated shitty noobs who used the care-package glitch and the Javelin glitch to cheat to win 18 games in a row.”

When we pointed out to the BAMF clan members that the javelin glitch had been fixed long ago and that, as of last Friday, the care-package glitch had been patched, the BAMF clan simply simply responded, “They still suck. Tell them to snap their game discs in half. They’re no good at Modern Warfare 2.”

• WTFuGAVEmeAIDS
• MerKasaurusR3X
• sane sociopath

WTFuGAVEmeAIDS: 1. No, I didn’t. 2. You’re not funny. I don’t even need to go politically correct on you. You tried to be funny, but you’re just not funny.

MerKasaurusR3X: Whatever you need to tell yourself. Just so you know, the only person who believes it is you. Nice 3, jackass. Did you have some trouble getting this gamertag off the ground when you were setting it up? All these tough boys are simply trying to reassure themselves that they’re good.

sane sociopath: All these gamers trying to tell me how “syKo” they are, are really as insane as Martha Stewart. Yes, you’re sooooo mentally ill–but, somehow, you manage to be mediocre at playing a complex video game. You face an extra deduction for trying to sneak in a paradox into your gamertag. You’re not clever. Moving on.

Best Gamertag of the Day:

No one had a gamertag worth two shits today.

N3gtiv3Cr33p came close for making a sweet reference to Nirvana’s Bleach (which is outstanding) but blew it with all the 3s. xX BIG SAXY Xx also came close, but blew it with the xs. Sorry, dudes, but you have to be more original.

Fredrickson had lightly teased UB3RNOOb_PwN3r in the multiplayer lobby about having stuck him with a semtex grenade during a round of Modern Warfare 2. UB3RNOOb_PwN3r, 15 years old, could tell Frederickson was an older gamer due to the deep pitch of his voice. UB3RNOOb_PwN3r was cranky for having gotten a referral in Social Studies class and was in no mood “to hear any lip” from an inexperienced adult.

UB3RNOOb_PwN3r immediately launched into his oft-rehearsed motivational speech, geared towards dispensing wisdom to older gamers. With great enthusiasm and flawless delivery, UB3RNOOb_PwN3r suggested that Frederickson:

• move out of his mom’s basement
• go to college
• get a job
• get his first girlfriend
• and have sex for the first time

Frederickson immediately had a “deep epiphany” and resolved to fulfill all of the UB3RNOOb_PwN3r’s “life-altering” tips, which Frederickson subsequently reported at family dinner. Fredrickson’s wife, Linda, responded: “Sure. Whatever. Just remember to pick up Janey from dance lessons.”

Yo, “Death Dealer.” I hate everything about this gamertag. All the xs suck, the 3s suck, and the lowercase l in the middle of all the other caps as well as the tough-guy theme make this one of the shittiest gamertags in the gaming world.

What’s even worse is that the tag’s owner claims to be a NYPD “D-TEC.” I doubt it. A detective couldn’t possibly have such a piss-poor worn-out gamertag. This gamer is probably about 15 years old and is experiencing the voice cracks right about now.

Runner up: xxBABYKILLER34. Puketacular. More tough-boy posturing. Nothing more to say.

Best Gamertag of the Day: OfficialPizza

Fairly mild/tame, but it beat the shit out of everything else that was in my “recent encounters” list. At least it doesn’t discuss muffins.

I’m just wondering, for what is it the official pizza? NASCAR? NBA? YMCA? All fairly ridiculous and awesome at the same time. Or maybe you can spin it as one of those bizarre communist administrative positions, faily close to “Chairman Mao.” As usual, I’m making shit up. “But, gamertags always involve interpretation.” Oh, shut the fuck up.

OfficialPizza, you’re the Gamertag o’ the Day. You’ve won a free beatdown in Modern Warfare 2 from the boys at PWNorDIE.com. Hit us up to collect.

Coralville, IA. Local adolescent video gamer, Jimmy Stillson, 11, today wondered “Who the heck is Dan K?” for the 7th time.

Jimmy, who stayed home from school ill today, was in a Modern Warfare 2 multiplayer lobby and saw that nearly every member of the other team paid homage to the mysterious Dan K in their clantags.

Jimmy strategically waited for a pause in the postgame banter and then casually said to the the other gamers in the lobby, “Geez, that Dan K sure is popular.”

After what sounded like someone blowing bubbles through a straw into Pepsi, DaRkKr0NiK420, another gamer in the lobby, simply replied: “What, kid?”

Jimmy responded, “You guys sure like that Dan K. Is he freakin’ famous or something? Who is he? Why does everyone put him in their clantags?”

DaRkKr0NiK420, recently edgy from both being fired from The Wedge Pizza and receiving an F on an exam in his Philosophy and the Just Society class at the University of Iowa, rebuked Jimmy with “Shut the fuck up, noob.”

As the rest of the lobby was far too confused to understand Jimmy’s question, his quest to understand the allure of the elusive Dan K to his legions of followers goes on.